I had a little inspiration from Thomas Edison this morning on my daily calendar.  I'm not sure he was talking about push ups, but that is okay.  It got me thinking about what we are capable of doing, whether it be physically or in other areas of our lives.  As I've mentioned recently, I joined roller derby.  For me, that was not a physical triumph, but rather a personal one.

I can't tell you how many people have told me they "can't" do push ups. I remember the first time I tried one...all alone in my living room where nobody could see!  I couldn't do one full push up either.  I had the upper body strength of a wet noodle.  And now I can crank out push ups like they are no big deal.  I'm working on pull ups now...something I thought were impossible.  I still can't quite complete one, but it doesn't mean that I'm not going to!

One of my first real experiences with lifting weights was when I did P90X after I turned 30.  If you're not familiar with it, it is an "extreme" home workout program including weights, cardio, and yoga.  The trainer for that program is Tony Horton, and I just loved listening to some of the stuff that came out of his mouth.  One of my favorites, and it really applies here, was when he says not to say "I can't."  Instead, say "I currently struggle with."  The more I think about that, the more I realize what a huge shift that little change of phrase can make.  To say that you can't do something can easily lead you to believe that is the end of the story.  I can't do it.  I won't ever be able to do it.  But if you currently struggle with something, the next step after that is to conquer.  I used to struggle with  push ups like nobody's business.  Not anymore.  I currently struggle with pull ups, but I know that if I keep at it, I will get those down too.

Along the same lines, I'm a big fan of the word "yet".  It completely changes a sentence when you add it after the word "can't".  I can't do pull ups...yet.  But I'm gonna.  Such a small word that just opens up all sorts of possibilities!

My whole point here is that we are capable of so much more than we give ourselves credit.  Changing the way we phrase something in our head might seem like a silly way to start, but if you've read any of my other posts, you probably know that I believe that how we talk to ourselves is super important.  First, learn to be kind to yourself and be your own best friend.  Next, realize how much you are capable of doing!  Then get out there and get 'er done!!!

Have a fantastic day, everyone :)

Sarah

Roller Derby Girls Have No Fear

So there is a new roller derby league that is getting started up in the area, and I decided to join.  I'm not entirely sure why...I just know that from the moment I heard about it, I was interested.  Something about it sounded like something I wanted to do.  I can't even properly put words to it.  They had an informational meeting awhile back, and I kinda wanted to go, but I wasn't sure if I would "fit in" and I was a little scared.  That meeting must have went pretty well because a short time later a friend sent me an invite on facebook to an event they were having to show people about derby and recruit members into the newly formed league.  It seemed pretty open and inviting, so I went.  From the moment I tried on a pair of skates and proceeded gingerly around the track (fell once....), I knew I wanted to do it.

I'm sure my announcement to friends and family that I was going to play roller derby was a little surprising to some.  This is a full contact sport with blocking, hitting, and crashing.  The risk of injury is high...required gear includes helmet, knee and elbow pads, wrist guards and a mouth guard.  I have never done anything remotely dangerous enough to warrant a mouth guard!!  This is another one of those things that I would have wanted to do 5 years ago but would have been too scared to try.  Yet somehow I found myself two days ago with all that gear on, skates on my feet, participating in a full out roller derby practice led by what I am told is one of the best skaters in the UP.   And that was how I really knew I had grown in the last few years. I jumped into that practice with ZERO experience, and I just gave it my all.  The reason I didn't play sports growing up was that I was afraid to try stuff and fail.  And I certainly didn't try stuff that I didn't know how to do in the middle of a group of people I didn't know!  That moment struck me at one point during the practice and I had kind of and out of body experience.   I looked around and saw myself surrounded by people I had just met, doing things I was totally unfamiliar with, and I realized how far I have come.  Nobody I know may appreciate that fact more than me, other than perhaps my mother, but I am pretty proud of myself.

Me....first time on skates in 20 years

So the obvious moral of this story is, "don't be afraid to try new things," but it is more than that.  If you're like me and fear has held you back from really living and trying the things that you really want to do, I challenge you to let that go a little bit and put yourself out there.  It has taken me a LONG time to get here, but now that I am, I can see that it is totally worth it.  And when you do take those risks and step outside your comfort zone, take a moment to appreciate that.  Being afraid to do something and then doing it anyway is tough...give yourself credit!!!!  You deserve it!

So now matter what you're afraid to do....whether it be start working out, trying a new workout, getting involved in a new sport, talking to people you don't know (another one of my big ones!!!), examine your fear.  What EXACTLY are you afraid of (failure, injury, rejection?), and then consider the what ifs.  What if you fail, get injured, or rejected?  What I finally realized was that if any of those things happened, so what?  Maybe I'll suck at roller derby.   And I might very possibly get injured.  I don't know yet, but when I thought about it, I was willing to take those risks in order to avoid the regret 10 years from now.  Sitting around thinking, "I remember when they started roller derby and I wanted to try it.  Really wish I had." I have enough of those regrets....I don't need anymore.

All right....get out there and make the most of your day!!!!

Sarah :)

I had a little inspiration from Pink in my iPod this morning.  I've talked before about that nasty little voice in your head that tells you that you're not good enough, you're too fat, ugly, a failure, etc., and about tuning into that and telling it to SHUT UP!  And that is all well and good, but once you've done that, then there is room for the voice that is kinder and gentler to you...the one we should be listening more too but that nasty one is sometimes so freakin' loud you can't hear it.  So start listening...and let that supportive, kind, gentle voice that is inside of you to get a little more say.

Two steps forward....

So I've finally started to see that there actually may be no end to the journey.  I take care of my body physically, I try to eat well so that is runs properly, I've started to accept my body the way that it is....but I certainly don't have it all figured out.  There are many sayings that try to teach us this: Life if a journey, Learn something new every day, Life's a dance you learn as you go.  Sorry, that last one is more of a country song than a saying, but you get the idea.  But even so, I think we try to "get it" it with the goal in mind that at some point, we will come to the end of the road and have it all down pat.

And while it may seem kinda obvious, it took me until now to realize that just isn't so.  I may always struggle with my self image.  There may be days that I still look in the mirror and call myself an ugly name.  Or obsess about what that scale might say.  Or wonder what would happen if I went a really strict diet...just for a little while.  But as long as I keep the path in sight, and remember that I am moving forward on it, then hopefully those issues will be just bumps in the road.

One of my favorite sayings is, "Two steps forward and one step back will still keeping you moving in the right direction."  It has really helped me along the way when I have "messed up" or had setbacks.  I think this  idea fits in really well with the words of Winston Churchill.  If you think of life as a journey, that you are on a path that is constantly improving and ascending, then yes, you may stumble along the way.  You may sometimes move backwards.  But as long as you take a couple extra steps forward and then fall back just a little, you're still heading in the right direction.

The first tattoo that I got is of a compass.  The reason I chose it was to remind myself to always keep moving forward.  When I got it, I think I was at the beginning of the realization.  It has been a couple of years since I got it, and sometimes I feel like I haven't come very far since then.  But I certainly have moved in the right direction.

So let's keep moving forward.  It's ok to look back and see how far you've come.  I think it is really important to remember what you had to go through to get to where you are today.  But then turn it back around and keep right on going.

Sarah :)

Problem Solving 101

  

There are a lot of problem solving techniques out there.  I've tried a few that haven't worked very well...sugary or carb loaded binges come to mind.  And sometimes, despite my best efforts, I still eat for emotional reasons. But I've discovered another problem solving technique....exercise.  You may have heard things like, "You're only one workout away from a good mood" or "Running is cheaper than therapy,"  so it might sound a bit cliche.  But I've found that it really does work.  Something happens to your mind while you are working your body.  Whether it is running or lifting, I find that a good workout can help me gain clarity on a problem that may have seemed a lot more complicated than it really was.   I've also found that if I go into a workout with a particularly worried mind, I tend to work harder.  I've gotten some of my toughest runs done when I'm especially angry about something!  

So I'm gonna keep it short and sweet today and leave you with one suggestion...the next time you're faced with a problem and you can't quite figure out what to do, hit the gym.  Or take a walk.  Go for a run.  Work up a sweat.  If you're anything like me, not only will you feel a lot better that you didn't just eat your problems worse, you may actually find a solution you hadn't thought of before.  

Sarah :) 

Risks

I've never been much of a risk taker - just ask my mom.  I always followed all the rules, colored inside all the lines, and kept a low profile.  I never danced in public because I was afraid of what other people would say.  I kept quiet in class because I didn't want to be noticed.  And for the most part, it has worked for me.  I did well in school, graduated from college, and got a good job.  But it has also held me back.  There are things that I think about that I wish I would have done but was too afraid.

I've come more out of my shell as I've gotten older, and I think that is pretty normal.  Heck, I'll even start dancing in public while I'm still (mostly) sober.  I've started asking myself, if I do this, what is the worst that could happen?  Someone is going to think I am a bad dancer?  Big deal - I probably am!  But why should that mean I have to sit on the sidelines?  But even in my thirties, this is difficult.

So when I started this blog, I did it quietly.  I wrote about 4 posts before I even told a soul I had done it.  And then I shared it with 2 friends I trusted completely.  And then my husband.  And that was it.   But I knew I was doing this for a reason...that my passion in life was not the paper pushing job I do 40 hours a week, but health and fitness.  That if I could go back and do it all over, I would take a different road.  I can't do that, and I can't quit the day job, but I decided I could still follow my heart.  And it came to a point where I knew that if I was going to do that, then I would have to put myself out there.  To take a risk.  So I did....I created a facebook page and asked people to like it.  It was really scary, but I asked myself again...what is the worst that could happen?   People won't like it?  Some may say it is dumb? Or wonder what the hell is she doing?  And again the answer is, yes, perhaps. But big deal!

If you're like me, and afraid to try new things or put yourself in a place where you're feeling vulnerable, look at the people around you who have already figured it out.  When I think about the people I know like that, I see happy, confident, carefree people.  They generally don't care what other people might think and will go out there and make things happen.  Sometimes you can get 'er done by cruising along quietly under the radar, but sometimes you've gotta take a big leap of faith and try things a new way.  That's what I'm doing; I'm not entirely sure where I am gonna land yet, but at least I won't regret always watching from the shore.

Sarah :)

To run...

It is a beautiful day outside and I have been cleaning all morning.  I took a rest day yesterday, and I know I want to get a run in today.  But I am struggling.  I know the first step is the hardest, and I am really fighting it for some reason.  I would normally go downstairs and run on my treadmill, but it is too gorgeous outside to slog away in my basement.  I also have a half marathon coming up in less than a month, so I really should go for a nice long run outside.  I've been doing a lot of strength training recently, but not as much running.  So I was sitting here poking around on Facebook and Pinterest, and I came across this pic....To run or not to run.  It was just the motivation I needed to get going.  So I am heading out...no excuse not to.  I've already wasted too much time writing this already....catch ya later.

Sarah :)

Here's to you....with love

I saw this online today and thought about how right on it is. It's something we can say out loud to ourselves or our friends, but it is really important to believe deep down.  This has been a real journey for me, and I finally feel like I am starting to cross over - to be OK with myself as I am.  I still work hard in the gym, and I love the feeling I get from doing that.  I love being strong.  But I DO NOT need to be skinnier.

When we judge ourselves primarily by our weight, we are setting ourselves up for disaster.  A day can be either made or broken based on what that scale says in the morning.  I know I have been there too many times to count.  If the number was "good", then I set out for the rest of my day feeling upbeat and accomplished.  If the number was "bad", then my mood was shot.  And let's not forget the name calling....fat, loser, ugly, etc.  We would never speak that way to a friend, but often we allow ourselves to talk to ourselves that way.  At some point I realized that I was in an abusive relationship with myself.  I would never let anyone call me a fat, ugly, loser.....so why can I do that to myself?

I do finally feel like I'm crossing over into a healthy place.  I wouldn't say I am totally there yet, but for once I can see that it is possible.  At first, the thought of letting go of all my rules about my diet, my weight, etc. was absolutely terrifying.  If I wasn't thin and on top of that, then what was I?  If I didn't control every last little thing, would everything spiral out of control?  As it turns out, easing up and learning to be kinder and gentler to myself did not cause my world to stop spinning.  I have slip ups along the way, but I do feel better most of the time.  I still weigh myself occasionally, but I smashed up the scale I had at home so that I can't obsess over that number anymore.

Listen to your inner voice...is it nice to you?  Does it forgive you for mistakes or does it expect you to be perfect? Does it give you compliments when you look in the mirror or put you down?  I had to spend a lot of time tuning into that voice.  And sometimes I had to actually tell her to shut the hell up.   Sometimes that nasty little voice still creeps into my mind.  I try to be aware of it and replace those thoughts with more positive ones.  It hasn't been easy, but it has been worth it.  Sometimes we have to be our own best friend.  And I, for one, know that I want a best friend who thinks I rock...because I totally do.

With love....
Sarah :)

Confessions of a Gym Class Dropout

This tank pretty much sums up my entire high school athletic career....

So yesterday marked my 8 year "fitness" anniversary.  I remember the day well...April 15, 2004.  I tried on my largest and most comfy jeans, and they didn't fit.  I had steadily put on weight my entire life and recently entered the "overweight" category.  I had never been one for working out, except for brief stints associated with going on a diet.  And I usually just ate large quantities of whatever I wanted.  It was no shock that I had started growing as an infant and never stopped, despite the fact that I was now in my twenties.  It was time to do something.  

I didn't turn into a fitness fanatic overnight.  I started out simply by walking.  In fact, I lost 20 pounds before I ever got the inclination to jog.   And over time, I did start to run a little bit.  Eventually I ran a 2 mile race, and then a 5K, and finally a couple of half marathons. It took a few years before I discovered strength training.  The first day that I tried to do a push up on my toes, I couldn't even get through one.  A friend invited me to a circuit style class, and I remember hanging from a low bar and having to pull myself up.  I couldn't do it - I was shocked at my complete lack of upper body strength.

Now, looking back, the girl who started by walking around her neighborhood everyday after work is almost unrecognizable to me.  It took awhile for me to appreciate how good it feels to work REALLY hard.  Now I can churn out a couple dozen push ups instead of one.  I can run for miles instead of minutes.  I got that tank top in the photo for Christmas this year.  And I love it because I really was that girl.  I dreaded gym class more than going to the dentist, and nobody ever wanted me on their team. But it is possible for the bookworm who never lifted anything heavier than a backpack to lift her own body weight.

I think we have a tendency to see ourselves in a certain way.  For the first 25 years of my life, I saw myself as the "smart" girl, but not as an athletic one.  Even after I started to get active, I would have never imagined myself as a runner.  But we are not destined to be only one or the other: smart or fit; a reader or a runner; a thinker or a lifter.   And we have the power to change how we see ourselves....

Sincerely,
The Girl Picked Last in Gym  :)

No excuses....

So this is a follow up to a previous post about struggling with my morning workouts.  I am coming off of a really good week.  I made it to the gym before work all 4 days that I wanted to this week.  I felt especially good about Friday.  We went over to a friend's house on Thursday night and I didn't get home until about 10:30.  I usually like to be in bed before 10:00 if I'm gonna hit the gym at 5:00 AM.  So my recent M.O. has been to sleep through my workout and do it in the afternoon.  I hate that because by then I have other stuff I really would rather be doing.  Plus, we had dinner plans, so it could have been done, but it would have been tough.  So I got up and did my workout anyway.  And wouldn't you know, it wasn't that bad!  Once I was up and moving, I felt just fine.

When my alarm went off, I did my regular mental check to determine if I was gonna go ahead and go to the gym or just keep sleeping.  I really did want to sleep longer, but the thought of going to the gym after work was even less appealing.  I missed a workout a couple of weeks ago and hit the gym after dinner - about 6:00 PM, and can honestly say if I never do that again it is fine by me. At 5:00 AM, the gym is a quiet place with a few other early morning peeps.  Cool.  At 6:00 PM, there were people everywhere.  I barely got on a cardio machine to warm up, and then I had to wait around for the equipment I wanted to use.  Now, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that.  I firmly believe the best time to workout is the time that you will actually do it.  So if after work is the only time that you can make happen, then go for it.  And some people like the energy of a full gym.  Again, nothing wrong with that.  For myself, I like having it kinda to myself.  So when I was running through the pros and cons of working out or sleeping in, the vision of that packed gym ran through my head.  And so I got up.  And I am really glad I did.

I felt like my former self this week.  Morning workouts come hell or high water!  No excuses!  And I made it happen.  We have the power to do that - WE decide if we are going to put forth the effort or crawl back into bed.   And we live with the consequences.  There is a saying: If you want to do something, you will find a way. If you don't, you will find an excuse.  I really believe this.  And I have been guilty of finding my share of excuses along the way.   So when you come to the point where you need to make a decision, dig deep and determine if you really want it.  If you do, then use whatever resources you have at your disposal to make it happen - whether it is remembering how good you feel after a morning workout, how much you HATE going to the gym after work, or both - make it happen.  It is absolutely worth it - I promise.

Sarah :)

Kickin' Your Own Butt....It Does a Body Good

One of the nice things about taking a group exercise class or having a personal trainer is that you have someone there to push you.  So even if you don't want to go any longer or any harder, you do.  On the flip side, working out alone can make it a lot easier to slack off.  Nobody will know if you cut your workout short, do less reps, or choose a lighter weight because it is easier.   

When you find yourself working out alone and leaning toward slacking off, you have a choice.  Your inner voice can take on one of two roles.  Sure, it can tell you it's OK to take it a little easier, to slow down, to stop early.  Or....it can become the voice of that trainer or workout buddy that says, "Keep going!  Work harder!  It is so worth it!"   

I've had this experience a couple of times in the last week.  Last Sunday I was in the middle of a leg workout that really started to kick my ass.  I found myself questioning whether or not I really wanted to finish.  I did - and it felt great.  I have had this happen to me in the past and chosen then easier route, and I can tell you that making the choice to finish with as much intensity as possible will always feel better.  Even if you're the only person who know what you just accomplished, it doesn't matter.  

There are a few things you can do to set yourself up for success before you even start to workout.  I am a huge fan of planning my workouts in advance.  This does a couple of things.  First, you are making yourself accountable to yourself right from the jump.  You know you have a workout scheduled, so get to it!  Second, it is a lot easier to get a tough workout in if you have a plan from the start.  If you wanna work your legs, you can wander into the gym and go from here to there and make it up as you go.  OR....you can have a workout already written down. Then you know exactly what you need to do.  That also makes it a lot harder to quit before you're done.  When I had this happen to me last week, if I had nothing written down, I could have just "ended" my workout whenever I wanted.  But I had a workout on paper, and I looked at the page and how it was half finished, and there was no way I was gonna just stop before I was done. 

When it comes to achieving your fitness goals, a personal trainer can be a great tool...don't get me wrong!  But another huge factor in your success is finding that inner drive that craves a butt kicking workout and thrives on the feeling of accomplishment when you're finished.  The best trainer in the world cannot do that for you, and they cannot be at every workout you do.  You gotta find it for yourself.    And when you do, it is an awesome feeling.

Sarah :) 

Practice....

So last night I ran unexpectedly into a buffet.  I had already eaten dinner (several hours before), and I stopped at a friend's house for a drink.  I had been invited the week prior, but I forgot they were also hosting a birthday party for a friend of their daughter.  So I walked in and found myself face to face with a long table of food.  My first fleeting feeling was panic - I wasn't prepared for this! But then I took a breath and asked myself if I was hungry.  It had been a few hours since I had eaten, but I could honestly say I wasn't hungry.  So I didn't eat anything.  This is completely unprecedented.  And I even sat a table right next to the food.  And I have to say it felt really good.   Then they cut the birthday cake, and I thought briefly about whether or not I really, really, really, really wanted any.  I didn't.  So I didn't have any.  This might seem like no big deal to a person who know how to eat instinctively, but for me this was a major accomplishment.

Eating instinctively is something we are born knowing how to do.  A baby cries when she is hungry and will refuse to eat anymore when she is not.  A child will leave food on her plate when she is satisfied rather than stuff it down because it is there or she is feeling some other emotion.  Somewhere along the way we learn different habits.  Feeling bad?  Have some ice cream.  Celebrating?  Have some ice cream.  Over time, eating becomes so much more than a way to nourish our bodies.  And re-learning how to eat instinctively is no small task after years of eating for other reasons.  It takes a lot of practice and there are stumbling blocks and setbacks along the way.


This was really put to the test for me about a week or so ago. I weighed myself and had gained weight.  As I got upset about it, I could feel myself wanting to eat.  Something.  Anything.  Everything.  And even as I thought about this, I knew that "tomorrow" I would start a new diet.  I wanted to binge to feel better temporarily and then restrict just "for a little while" until I lost the weight I wanted.  Of course, neither of those things work.  Eating when you feel bad is such a short term solution that I generally already feel worse before I am even done eating.  Which, of course, leads me to just keep eating.  And restricting and trying to follow a strict diet just leads to trying to eventual "failure" and more bad feelings, and more binge eating.  But for me, and a lot of women, that has always been the status quo.  If you really stop to think about it, it is very sad that we treat ourselves this way.  But when this happened to me after I weighed myself, and I could feel myself wanting to react in the same way I always have, I stopped.  I thought about the workshops I've been taking long enough the disrupt the cycle just a little bit.  Since I'm still in the early stages of re-learning instinctive eating, it takes quite a lot of concious effort.  I wasn't entirely sure what to do, so I texted a friend that is in the workshop with me and really "gets" it.  It was enough to get me back on track and make choices I knew I would be happy about after the bad feelings had passed.  In the end, I didn't binge or start restricting the next morning.  And not only did I feel really proud of that choice right there in the moment, but it was another instance of really practicing the art of instinctive eating.  Which means that when I was faced with a buffet table last night, the choice not to binge because it was there and I was on sensory overload as just that much easier.

It takes time, and it takes practice.  Some days I still feel like it is just too much effort and I'd really just rather eat a bag of doritos.  But I really do believe that if I keep practicing, it will become easier.

Remember.....practice makes perfect better.

Sarah :)

Balancing Act

I am really struggling with getting out of bed to workout in the morning.  I do really love an early morning workout.  It took a long time for me to appreciate getting up by 5:00 am and getting my workout done.  For awhile, I was on top of it.  Everyday during the week I had my workout in before going to work.  It really does set you up for a good day.  I feel energized, focused, and I don't have to try and find time for exercise after work, when regular life tends to take priority. Then I had some changes in my life...divorce, moving, new love, new family....and working out took a backseat all together for awhile.  I'm back to it now, and I feel good. But I am struggling to get back my morning routine.

I realized this morning why the snooze is so attractive.  My husband goes to work a lot earlier than I do, so I have the house to myself and nobody cares if the snooze is going off every 9 minutes for an hour and half.  And when I climb back into that comfy, cozy bed, all I can think is, "This is so amazing....only 9 more minutes!"  And pretty soon it has been an hour.  That's never been the case before.  There was someone else trying to sleep past 5:00 who would get very grumpy if I let the snooze go past 2 times.  So I got up.  I need to figure out how to motivate myself to turn off the alarm and "just do it", as they say over at Nike.

I think part of it might be my workout schedule.  I need to reassess what I'm trying to do.  I am training for a half marathon, but I don't want to give up strength training either.  I may have put a little too much on my plate, and the thought of getting in my running AND my lifting might be a little too much.  And by Thursday, my legs are feeling a little burned out, so I think, "Oh, I better rest them this morning."  And although listening to your body and giving it rest when it needs it is a good thing, I know that mentally I'm using it as an excuse not to get out of that comfy bed.  Maybe I should I just get a crummy mattress???

So sometimes we need to be honest with ourselves and sort out the physical needs of our bodies and the mental excuses we use to be a little lazy.  Part of that for me is being honest with what I should expect out of my training schedule and backing off if I need to, and the other part is realizing that I can do more than that little voice in my head says, and stepping it up when I need to.  It really is all about balance.  And if you think about what that word really means, that can be a tricky thing.

Happy Thursday
Sarah :)

And that is called growth...

So yesterday was a rough day emotionally.  In the past, when something like that would happen,  my mind would instantly fixate on food.  It became an obsession that I could not put out of my mind until I found something to stuff my face with. Several years ago, when I found out a co-worker got a transfer I desperately wanted, I walked right out of my office to the store across the street and bought a jelly roll.  I then proceeded to eat the whole thing.  Of course, I felt worse afterwards because not only did I still feel like crap about not getting the transfer, but I also felt physically and emotionally like crap because of the jelly roll.

At some point in this journey a part of me did realize that I was just temporarily shoving my emotions back down while shoving food (usually sweets) down my throat.  But even then, when I "knew" exactly what I was doing, when the time came and the obsessive thoughts took over, I didn't care.  In a calm moment, I could tell you that in a crisis, I will obsess about food.  I could make a plan about how to handle it.  I could tell you exactly how crappy I would feel after.  But when the time came, and something bad actually happened, it didn't matter.  In fact, I can remember stopping ever so briefly to reflect on all my plans and to check in for just a moment and know exactly what I was doing.  But in the end, the obsession always took over and I would dig in anyway.

So yesterday, when I was indeed having a bad day, my mind still went to the food.  It is like a flash in my brain.  I am sitting there, crying and upset, and all of a sudden some type of sweet food flashes into my line of vision.  I think it has been a way for me to cope with bad feelings.  But yesterday I did something different.  I ignored it.  Instead of just briefly recognizing it and throwing my rational thoughts out the window, I focused on them.  I stopped long enough to say,"You only want to eat that because you are having a hard time right now.  You think it will make you feel better, but it won't.  You will actually feel worse in the long run."  And then I did something really different...I delayed going for the treats.  I deliberately focused my mind on something else.  And wouldn't you know...it worked.

This has been an extremely long process to get here.  And I'm not saying that there may not be times in the future that I will just say screw it and eat the cookies.  But it gives me hope.  It can be done.  And in the end, I still felt bad about some of the things that were happening in life, but I didn't compound the problem with a sugar binge and guilt.  And I am hopeful that with practice, it will get easier.   There have been times along the way that I never thought I would get even this far.  So with this small victory under my belt, I will march forward filled with the confidence to know I CAN do this.

Happy Friday
Sarah :)

Chocolate Protein Pancake - Yum!

This is the breakfast I am currently addicted to....a chocolate protein pancake.  Combine 5 egg whites, 1/2 cup oats, and 1 scoop chocolate whey protein powder.  Cook up like a pancake.  I like to top mine with 1 Tbsp. natural peanut butter and a smidgen of honey.  Today, as a special treat, I added a few banana slices as well.  Super good and full of protein, but generally low in sugar.  This makes a really good sized pancake, so it only takes one to fill me up for quite awhile.

Sarah :)

So I am starting a blog...

So I am starting a blog....will anyone really care to read it?  Maybe not.  Do I think that I am so interesting that people will really want to read it?  Not really.  But I do know that I have struggled with the restrictive cycle of dieting for so long, and I have never found really good resources to help me deal with it.  I have read books and tried therapy, but so far to no avail.  I fall into a very large group of people, mostly women, who are disordered eaters.  We don't have a specified eating disorder like anorexia or bulemia, but still something is off. And I know that not only do I want to free myself of this, I want to help others do the same.  Through connecting with others who share the same struggles, perhaps we can overcome it together.  I have recently started taking a class called "Am I Hungry?"  based on the book by Michelle May, MD.  I have found this to be helping me head in the right direction, so I may reference it here.

This is also a blog about fitness...something else I am very passionate about.  But the focus is exercise as a reward and not a punishment.  Strong is sexy....super skinny is not!  The ability to run up a flight of stairs without losing your breath or knock out more push ups than your husband is a very cool thing.  Pounding away on the treadmill for an extra hour because you ate a donut is not.

And so, I am starting a blog.  I am not an expert and I am not yet "cured".  But I am a work in progress.  If nobody ever reads this, then it should serve as good therapy for me.  If one person does and finds it helpful, then that is even better.

Happy Tuesday
Sarah :)