So yesterday was a rough day emotionally. In the past, when something like that would happen, my mind would instantly fixate on food. It became an obsession that I could not put out of my mind until I found something to stuff my face with. Several years ago, when I found out a co-worker got a transfer I desperately wanted, I walked right out of my office to the store across the street and bought a jelly roll. I then proceeded to eat the whole thing. Of course, I felt worse afterwards because not only did I still feel like crap about not getting the transfer, but I also felt physically and emotionally like crap because of the jelly roll.
At some point in this journey a part of me did realize that I was just temporarily shoving my emotions back down while shoving food (usually sweets) down my throat. But even then, when I "knew" exactly what I was doing, when the time came and the obsessive thoughts took over, I didn't care. In a calm moment, I could tell you that in a crisis, I will obsess about food. I could make a plan about how to handle it. I could tell you exactly how crappy I would feel after. But when the time came, and something bad actually happened, it didn't matter. In fact, I can remember stopping ever so briefly to reflect on all my plans and to check in for just a moment and know exactly what I was doing. But in the end, the obsession always took over and I would dig in anyway.
So yesterday, when I was indeed having a bad day, my mind still went to the food. It is like a flash in my brain. I am sitting there, crying and upset, and all of a sudden some type of sweet food flashes into my line of vision. I think it has been a way for me to cope with bad feelings. But yesterday I did something different. I ignored it. Instead of just briefly recognizing it and throwing my rational thoughts out the window, I focused on them. I stopped long enough to say,"You only want to eat that because you are having a hard time right now. You think it will make you feel better, but it won't. You will actually feel worse in the long run." And then I did something really different...I delayed going for the treats. I deliberately focused my mind on something else. And wouldn't you know...it worked.
This has been an extremely long process to get here. And I'm not saying that there may not be times in the future that I will just say screw it and eat the cookies. But it gives me hope. It can be done. And in the end, I still felt bad about some of the things that were happening in life, but I didn't compound the problem with a sugar binge and guilt. And I am hopeful that with practice, it will get easier. There have been times along the way that I never thought I would get even this far. So with this small victory under my belt, I will march forward filled with the confidence to know I CAN do this.
Happy Friday
Sarah :)
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