Here's to you....with love

I saw this online today and thought about how right on it is. It's something we can say out loud to ourselves or our friends, but it is really important to believe deep down.  This has been a real journey for me, and I finally feel like I am starting to cross over - to be OK with myself as I am.  I still work hard in the gym, and I love the feeling I get from doing that.  I love being strong.  But I DO NOT need to be skinnier.

When we judge ourselves primarily by our weight, we are setting ourselves up for disaster.  A day can be either made or broken based on what that scale says in the morning.  I know I have been there too many times to count.  If the number was "good", then I set out for the rest of my day feeling upbeat and accomplished.  If the number was "bad", then my mood was shot.  And let's not forget the name calling....fat, loser, ugly, etc.  We would never speak that way to a friend, but often we allow ourselves to talk to ourselves that way.  At some point I realized that I was in an abusive relationship with myself.  I would never let anyone call me a fat, ugly, loser.....so why can I do that to myself?

I do finally feel like I'm crossing over into a healthy place.  I wouldn't say I am totally there yet, but for once I can see that it is possible.  At first, the thought of letting go of all my rules about my diet, my weight, etc. was absolutely terrifying.  If I wasn't thin and on top of that, then what was I?  If I didn't control every last little thing, would everything spiral out of control?  As it turns out, easing up and learning to be kinder and gentler to myself did not cause my world to stop spinning.  I have slip ups along the way, but I do feel better most of the time.  I still weigh myself occasionally, but I smashed up the scale I had at home so that I can't obsess over that number anymore.

Listen to your inner voice...is it nice to you?  Does it forgive you for mistakes or does it expect you to be perfect? Does it give you compliments when you look in the mirror or put you down?  I had to spend a lot of time tuning into that voice.  And sometimes I had to actually tell her to shut the hell up.   Sometimes that nasty little voice still creeps into my mind.  I try to be aware of it and replace those thoughts with more positive ones.  It hasn't been easy, but it has been worth it.  Sometimes we have to be our own best friend.  And I, for one, know that I want a best friend who thinks I rock...because I totally do.

With love....
Sarah :)

Confessions of a Gym Class Dropout

This tank pretty much sums up my entire high school athletic career....

So yesterday marked my 8 year "fitness" anniversary.  I remember the day well...April 15, 2004.  I tried on my largest and most comfy jeans, and they didn't fit.  I had steadily put on weight my entire life and recently entered the "overweight" category.  I had never been one for working out, except for brief stints associated with going on a diet.  And I usually just ate large quantities of whatever I wanted.  It was no shock that I had started growing as an infant and never stopped, despite the fact that I was now in my twenties.  It was time to do something.  

I didn't turn into a fitness fanatic overnight.  I started out simply by walking.  In fact, I lost 20 pounds before I ever got the inclination to jog.   And over time, I did start to run a little bit.  Eventually I ran a 2 mile race, and then a 5K, and finally a couple of half marathons. It took a few years before I discovered strength training.  The first day that I tried to do a push up on my toes, I couldn't even get through one.  A friend invited me to a circuit style class, and I remember hanging from a low bar and having to pull myself up.  I couldn't do it - I was shocked at my complete lack of upper body strength.

Now, looking back, the girl who started by walking around her neighborhood everyday after work is almost unrecognizable to me.  It took awhile for me to appreciate how good it feels to work REALLY hard.  Now I can churn out a couple dozen push ups instead of one.  I can run for miles instead of minutes.  I got that tank top in the photo for Christmas this year.  And I love it because I really was that girl.  I dreaded gym class more than going to the dentist, and nobody ever wanted me on their team. But it is possible for the bookworm who never lifted anything heavier than a backpack to lift her own body weight.

I think we have a tendency to see ourselves in a certain way.  For the first 25 years of my life, I saw myself as the "smart" girl, but not as an athletic one.  Even after I started to get active, I would have never imagined myself as a runner.  But we are not destined to be only one or the other: smart or fit; a reader or a runner; a thinker or a lifter.   And we have the power to change how we see ourselves....

Sincerely,
The Girl Picked Last in Gym  :)

No excuses....

So this is a follow up to a previous post about struggling with my morning workouts.  I am coming off of a really good week.  I made it to the gym before work all 4 days that I wanted to this week.  I felt especially good about Friday.  We went over to a friend's house on Thursday night and I didn't get home until about 10:30.  I usually like to be in bed before 10:00 if I'm gonna hit the gym at 5:00 AM.  So my recent M.O. has been to sleep through my workout and do it in the afternoon.  I hate that because by then I have other stuff I really would rather be doing.  Plus, we had dinner plans, so it could have been done, but it would have been tough.  So I got up and did my workout anyway.  And wouldn't you know, it wasn't that bad!  Once I was up and moving, I felt just fine.

When my alarm went off, I did my regular mental check to determine if I was gonna go ahead and go to the gym or just keep sleeping.  I really did want to sleep longer, but the thought of going to the gym after work was even less appealing.  I missed a workout a couple of weeks ago and hit the gym after dinner - about 6:00 PM, and can honestly say if I never do that again it is fine by me. At 5:00 AM, the gym is a quiet place with a few other early morning peeps.  Cool.  At 6:00 PM, there were people everywhere.  I barely got on a cardio machine to warm up, and then I had to wait around for the equipment I wanted to use.  Now, I'm not saying there is anything wrong with that.  I firmly believe the best time to workout is the time that you will actually do it.  So if after work is the only time that you can make happen, then go for it.  And some people like the energy of a full gym.  Again, nothing wrong with that.  For myself, I like having it kinda to myself.  So when I was running through the pros and cons of working out or sleeping in, the vision of that packed gym ran through my head.  And so I got up.  And I am really glad I did.

I felt like my former self this week.  Morning workouts come hell or high water!  No excuses!  And I made it happen.  We have the power to do that - WE decide if we are going to put forth the effort or crawl back into bed.   And we live with the consequences.  There is a saying: If you want to do something, you will find a way. If you don't, you will find an excuse.  I really believe this.  And I have been guilty of finding my share of excuses along the way.   So when you come to the point where you need to make a decision, dig deep and determine if you really want it.  If you do, then use whatever resources you have at your disposal to make it happen - whether it is remembering how good you feel after a morning workout, how much you HATE going to the gym after work, or both - make it happen.  It is absolutely worth it - I promise.

Sarah :)

Kickin' Your Own Butt....It Does a Body Good

One of the nice things about taking a group exercise class or having a personal trainer is that you have someone there to push you.  So even if you don't want to go any longer or any harder, you do.  On the flip side, working out alone can make it a lot easier to slack off.  Nobody will know if you cut your workout short, do less reps, or choose a lighter weight because it is easier.   

When you find yourself working out alone and leaning toward slacking off, you have a choice.  Your inner voice can take on one of two roles.  Sure, it can tell you it's OK to take it a little easier, to slow down, to stop early.  Or....it can become the voice of that trainer or workout buddy that says, "Keep going!  Work harder!  It is so worth it!"   

I've had this experience a couple of times in the last week.  Last Sunday I was in the middle of a leg workout that really started to kick my ass.  I found myself questioning whether or not I really wanted to finish.  I did - and it felt great.  I have had this happen to me in the past and chosen then easier route, and I can tell you that making the choice to finish with as much intensity as possible will always feel better.  Even if you're the only person who know what you just accomplished, it doesn't matter.  

There are a few things you can do to set yourself up for success before you even start to workout.  I am a huge fan of planning my workouts in advance.  This does a couple of things.  First, you are making yourself accountable to yourself right from the jump.  You know you have a workout scheduled, so get to it!  Second, it is a lot easier to get a tough workout in if you have a plan from the start.  If you wanna work your legs, you can wander into the gym and go from here to there and make it up as you go.  OR....you can have a workout already written down. Then you know exactly what you need to do.  That also makes it a lot harder to quit before you're done.  When I had this happen to me last week, if I had nothing written down, I could have just "ended" my workout whenever I wanted.  But I had a workout on paper, and I looked at the page and how it was half finished, and there was no way I was gonna just stop before I was done. 

When it comes to achieving your fitness goals, a personal trainer can be a great tool...don't get me wrong!  But another huge factor in your success is finding that inner drive that craves a butt kicking workout and thrives on the feeling of accomplishment when you're finished.  The best trainer in the world cannot do that for you, and they cannot be at every workout you do.  You gotta find it for yourself.    And when you do, it is an awesome feeling.

Sarah :) 

Practice....

So last night I ran unexpectedly into a buffet.  I had already eaten dinner (several hours before), and I stopped at a friend's house for a drink.  I had been invited the week prior, but I forgot they were also hosting a birthday party for a friend of their daughter.  So I walked in and found myself face to face with a long table of food.  My first fleeting feeling was panic - I wasn't prepared for this! But then I took a breath and asked myself if I was hungry.  It had been a few hours since I had eaten, but I could honestly say I wasn't hungry.  So I didn't eat anything.  This is completely unprecedented.  And I even sat a table right next to the food.  And I have to say it felt really good.   Then they cut the birthday cake, and I thought briefly about whether or not I really, really, really, really wanted any.  I didn't.  So I didn't have any.  This might seem like no big deal to a person who know how to eat instinctively, but for me this was a major accomplishment.

Eating instinctively is something we are born knowing how to do.  A baby cries when she is hungry and will refuse to eat anymore when she is not.  A child will leave food on her plate when she is satisfied rather than stuff it down because it is there or she is feeling some other emotion.  Somewhere along the way we learn different habits.  Feeling bad?  Have some ice cream.  Celebrating?  Have some ice cream.  Over time, eating becomes so much more than a way to nourish our bodies.  And re-learning how to eat instinctively is no small task after years of eating for other reasons.  It takes a lot of practice and there are stumbling blocks and setbacks along the way.


This was really put to the test for me about a week or so ago. I weighed myself and had gained weight.  As I got upset about it, I could feel myself wanting to eat.  Something.  Anything.  Everything.  And even as I thought about this, I knew that "tomorrow" I would start a new diet.  I wanted to binge to feel better temporarily and then restrict just "for a little while" until I lost the weight I wanted.  Of course, neither of those things work.  Eating when you feel bad is such a short term solution that I generally already feel worse before I am even done eating.  Which, of course, leads me to just keep eating.  And restricting and trying to follow a strict diet just leads to trying to eventual "failure" and more bad feelings, and more binge eating.  But for me, and a lot of women, that has always been the status quo.  If you really stop to think about it, it is very sad that we treat ourselves this way.  But when this happened to me after I weighed myself, and I could feel myself wanting to react in the same way I always have, I stopped.  I thought about the workshops I've been taking long enough the disrupt the cycle just a little bit.  Since I'm still in the early stages of re-learning instinctive eating, it takes quite a lot of concious effort.  I wasn't entirely sure what to do, so I texted a friend that is in the workshop with me and really "gets" it.  It was enough to get me back on track and make choices I knew I would be happy about after the bad feelings had passed.  In the end, I didn't binge or start restricting the next morning.  And not only did I feel really proud of that choice right there in the moment, but it was another instance of really practicing the art of instinctive eating.  Which means that when I was faced with a buffet table last night, the choice not to binge because it was there and I was on sensory overload as just that much easier.

It takes time, and it takes practice.  Some days I still feel like it is just too much effort and I'd really just rather eat a bag of doritos.  But I really do believe that if I keep practicing, it will become easier.

Remember.....practice makes perfect better.

Sarah :)

Balancing Act

I am really struggling with getting out of bed to workout in the morning.  I do really love an early morning workout.  It took a long time for me to appreciate getting up by 5:00 am and getting my workout done.  For awhile, I was on top of it.  Everyday during the week I had my workout in before going to work.  It really does set you up for a good day.  I feel energized, focused, and I don't have to try and find time for exercise after work, when regular life tends to take priority. Then I had some changes in my life...divorce, moving, new love, new family....and working out took a backseat all together for awhile.  I'm back to it now, and I feel good. But I am struggling to get back my morning routine.

I realized this morning why the snooze is so attractive.  My husband goes to work a lot earlier than I do, so I have the house to myself and nobody cares if the snooze is going off every 9 minutes for an hour and half.  And when I climb back into that comfy, cozy bed, all I can think is, "This is so amazing....only 9 more minutes!"  And pretty soon it has been an hour.  That's never been the case before.  There was someone else trying to sleep past 5:00 who would get very grumpy if I let the snooze go past 2 times.  So I got up.  I need to figure out how to motivate myself to turn off the alarm and "just do it", as they say over at Nike.

I think part of it might be my workout schedule.  I need to reassess what I'm trying to do.  I am training for a half marathon, but I don't want to give up strength training either.  I may have put a little too much on my plate, and the thought of getting in my running AND my lifting might be a little too much.  And by Thursday, my legs are feeling a little burned out, so I think, "Oh, I better rest them this morning."  And although listening to your body and giving it rest when it needs it is a good thing, I know that mentally I'm using it as an excuse not to get out of that comfy bed.  Maybe I should I just get a crummy mattress???

So sometimes we need to be honest with ourselves and sort out the physical needs of our bodies and the mental excuses we use to be a little lazy.  Part of that for me is being honest with what I should expect out of my training schedule and backing off if I need to, and the other part is realizing that I can do more than that little voice in my head says, and stepping it up when I need to.  It really is all about balance.  And if you think about what that word really means, that can be a tricky thing.

Happy Thursday
Sarah :)

And that is called growth...

So yesterday was a rough day emotionally.  In the past, when something like that would happen,  my mind would instantly fixate on food.  It became an obsession that I could not put out of my mind until I found something to stuff my face with. Several years ago, when I found out a co-worker got a transfer I desperately wanted, I walked right out of my office to the store across the street and bought a jelly roll.  I then proceeded to eat the whole thing.  Of course, I felt worse afterwards because not only did I still feel like crap about not getting the transfer, but I also felt physically and emotionally like crap because of the jelly roll.

At some point in this journey a part of me did realize that I was just temporarily shoving my emotions back down while shoving food (usually sweets) down my throat.  But even then, when I "knew" exactly what I was doing, when the time came and the obsessive thoughts took over, I didn't care.  In a calm moment, I could tell you that in a crisis, I will obsess about food.  I could make a plan about how to handle it.  I could tell you exactly how crappy I would feel after.  But when the time came, and something bad actually happened, it didn't matter.  In fact, I can remember stopping ever so briefly to reflect on all my plans and to check in for just a moment and know exactly what I was doing.  But in the end, the obsession always took over and I would dig in anyway.

So yesterday, when I was indeed having a bad day, my mind still went to the food.  It is like a flash in my brain.  I am sitting there, crying and upset, and all of a sudden some type of sweet food flashes into my line of vision.  I think it has been a way for me to cope with bad feelings.  But yesterday I did something different.  I ignored it.  Instead of just briefly recognizing it and throwing my rational thoughts out the window, I focused on them.  I stopped long enough to say,"You only want to eat that because you are having a hard time right now.  You think it will make you feel better, but it won't.  You will actually feel worse in the long run."  And then I did something really different...I delayed going for the treats.  I deliberately focused my mind on something else.  And wouldn't you know...it worked.

This has been an extremely long process to get here.  And I'm not saying that there may not be times in the future that I will just say screw it and eat the cookies.  But it gives me hope.  It can be done.  And in the end, I still felt bad about some of the things that were happening in life, but I didn't compound the problem with a sugar binge and guilt.  And I am hopeful that with practice, it will get easier.   There have been times along the way that I never thought I would get even this far.  So with this small victory under my belt, I will march forward filled with the confidence to know I CAN do this.

Happy Friday
Sarah :)